Smoove is a dj and producer from Newcastle and one half of Smoove & Turrell. He dislikes being called “Smooth”, owns two cats and knows how to cook a decent curry. His massive record collection is one big mess with no discernible order apart from every 70th record seeming to be Michael Jackson 12″. 

Weddings! Never agree to dj at them, no matter how cool your friends that are getting married are. The problem always is the rest of the family that they bring along.

The lovely married couple were up on the dance floor along with every other cool person in the room, getting down to some deep funk I was playing. Up strolls a pissed woman shouting “This is shit! We need some cheese!” I replied “sorry, I don’t own any cheese, I just have vinyl.” She then shouted louder “This is fucking shit! Nobody wants to dance to this fucking rubbish!”

I turned her head towards the dance floor so she could see all the people dancing and explained to her that this so called “shit music” is what I was requested to play at the wedding. She finally left me alone after one hour of abuse, spitting in my ear, spilling a full glass of red wine over my record box and shouting “Shit, shit, shit! Fucking shit!”

Just when I thought I could finally knuckle down to some good mixing, along comes another pissed up arsehole. This time it’s a man asking me, well, slurring at me, for “something a bit more funky” as he put it. I looked at him, looked down to the record that was spinning and then stared back at him and shouted “I’m playing James Brown, you prick, you can’t get any funkier than this!” He staggered off and hid in a corner in shame. When I went to get paid at the end of the night, it turned out that the pissed abusive woman was the mother of the bride!

After the nightmare had finally ended, I left the wedding venue and headed straight to my local bar for a much needed beer. There I was sharing my “worst dj-ing experience” stories with my friends at the bar and everybody was laughing. However, I noticed one man at the bar NOT laughing. He was the man from the wedding who had been asking for “something a bit more funky”! I think he crawled up into a ball and internally combusted with embarrassment!

I will never dj at another wedding as long as I live – not even at my own!